Matt Pearl

Andre the Giant

Tackle
He’s really big and strong and stuff.

The Invisible Man

Wide Receiver
He’s invisible so like no one can stop him.

Gary Coleman

Kicker
Small, but mean as shit; the kid’s got quite a leg.

Pazuzzu

Punt Returner
The Sumerian god of flight; 180 hit points.

Eric Saxon

Jesus Christ

Wide Receiver
Unbelievable.

Little Baby Animal

Wide Receiver
Wuvs his way through defensive meathead’s hearts; eats them.

Bilbo Baggins

Wide Receiver
Peaceful pipe-smoking halfling; will do anything to extend the game and avoid hideous hobbit wife.

Nike

Wide Receiver
Exploitative multinational skull-crushing organization; free uniforms!

Dave Lampson

God

Quarterback
Good instincts, can create under pressure. Unreliable in the clutch.

The Sphinx

Wide Receiver
Crafty offensive moves. Excellent stamina.

Smeargull

Tailback
Slippery runner; love of the game doubtful, in it mostly for “precious.”

The Devil

Tackle
Solid blocker when “off the field” problems don’t interfere.

Steve Smith

Bo Duke

Quarterback
Touchingly sad voice.

John Denver

Singer
Intensively competitive “Daisy” molester.

OJ Simpson

Running Back
Aggressive attacker.

Ad Rock

Coach
Likes whippits; a skinny trick play master.

Chris Peiffer

The 1920s

Offensive Line
“The Twenties kicked ass. Period.”

Peter Lorre

Safety
Runs into opposing huddles and whispers, “I’m really very sorry.”

John Henry

Left Tackle
Pro: The best at what he does. Con: Known to suffer a “burst heart” in big-game situations.

A Manatee

Running Back
It is illegal to tackle a manatee.

Caid Peck

Alro Guthrie

Defensive End
Heartfelt lyrics move opponents to tears; blocks passes with father’s reputation.

Caligula

Offensive Line
Buries opponents up to neck, decapitates; also “barbecue boss.”

Aldo Nova

Lead Guitar
I listened to this guy before you pansies were even born.

Run-DMC

Addidas
“But homes you did not know / It was a can of dog food.”

Eugene Park

Stephen Hawking

Wide Receiver
His so-called “brief” running patterns prove to be lengthy and wrought with abstract mathematics.

High School Nerd

Quarterback
After years of living on the periphery of adolescent society, this kid shows the world he really has what it takes.

The Dow Jones

Nose Tackle
Psyched for victory thanks to a strong second-quarter growth.

Traveling Bard

Center
His prolonged tales put to music draw the defensive line off-sides.

Sean Lucy

Fattest Spice Girl

Coach
An intimidating figure puts a lagging team into line.

Imonhotep

Offensive Coordinator
Designer of Pyramid of Dhoser will be the architect of an unstoppable run-and-gun offense.

Grover Sales

Linebacker
Possesses extreme saltiness and basic distaste for everything.

B. Real

Split End
Trash-talking and sagging pants enrage the opposing secondary.

Darell Tibbles

Ken Kesey

Quarterback
Great team leader, owns the team bus.

Bootsy Collins

Punter
Kicks ass on bass, then the football.

Mao Zedong

Defensive End
Rushes so hard the masses arise.

Buddha

Center
Enlightened; no need to snap.

Aaron Hoover

Walter Payton

Running Back
An obvious choice.

Roger Staubach

Quarterback
Engineered four winning Super Bowl offenses. Duh.

Jerry Rice

Receiver
Most receiving of any NFL player ever. I can’t believe no one picked this guy!

Aaron Hoover

Coach
Loves the game more than life. Dreams in black-and-white. Doesn’t get joke.

Eric Jorgensen

Ronald Reagan

Quarterback
Can win one for the Gipper; trouble remembering plays.

Liberace

Wide Receiver
Great hands.

Beck

Running Back
With the plastic eyes, spray-paint the vegetables.

Tony Danza

Linebacker
Anything with him is a hit!

Matthew Pierce

Anti-Christ

GM
Stated goal: organizing the most evil team ever.

Johnny Cochran

Running Back
Stiff-arm can even block justice.

Hitler

Quarterback
Weak arm, incredible motivator. Bonus: designs quality uniforms.

Old Man Henshaw

Nose Tackle
Man, that guy was “evil.”