My mom used to always warn me when I went on dates, “Watch out Junior,” she would say, “I know you think that girl is really nice, but I know girls, and they are only after one thing.” Of course I didn’t believe her. I was just a dumb kid. I thought girls just wanted what I wanted: good times. Then junior year, I started dating Amber Cunningham, the coolest girl in school. It was wonderful; I never wanted it to end. So when she asked me to make it with her, I just couldn’t say no. I thought we were in love, and that’s what people in love do right? Make it?

God how could I have been so stupid.

After we made it she never even talked to me again. It was awful. She had taken something from me, and I can never get it back. That’s when I realized my mom was right; girls are only after one thing: getting you to impregnate them. After that, the only time you might see them again is nine months later when they’re itching for another baby. That’s why from now on, I’m holding out till I get a ring, because it’s like my mom always says, “Why would she buy the fertilizer when the horse will shit in her garden for free?”

. . .

Oh Jesus, Jehovah’s witnesses. Son don’t open the door. I know they seem nice, but trust me, they are only after one thing: suckers.

. . .

Single moms, man don’t even get me started on single moms. You’ve probably seen how they’re portrayed on the TV and in the newspaper, and thought ‘Those are unfair stereotypes.’ Well I’ll tell you what. It’s all true. Single moms can pretend to care about their kids and to care about their careers, but when it comes right down to it, they really only care about one thing: tax breaks.

. . .

Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of tall friends, tall people can be great. It’s just that you have to be careful because all of them, yes all of them, only have one thing in mind. Whether they’re playing basketball, reaching for an apple from a high branch, or just watching a passing parade, they always just want one thing: an advantage.

. . .

I never used to listen when my parents told me that alcoholics were all the same. I figured they had probably just had a bad experience with one, and were making an unfair generalization. I especially didn’t think that Uncle Ted fell within that generalization; he was so nice. One time when I was younger, Uncle Ted took me to the bar even though my Dad said we were supposed to stay at home because I was sick.

But then a year ago I gave Uncle Ted a hundred dollars to buy a suit for my graduation. Instead he spent all of the money on beer, and he drove his car into the stage just as I was getting my diploma. When I confronted him about it, he said that he was a grown man and no one was going to tell him what the fuck to do. That’s when I realized that alcoholics, even Uncle Ted, are only after one thing: respect.

. . .

Sista, I know you watch those rappers on TV and you thinkin’ “those boys is just a bunch of fun-loving gang-bangers lookin’ for a good time”, but I’ll tell you somethin’, uh-uhhh girlfriend, oh know they ain’t. I dated one. I forget his name. It was sumpin’ like D-Dog, or Lil’ dog.

Anyway, I bump with this fool ONCE, and pretty soon he’s talkin all crazy, bout how he’s gawn drive-by me if I bump with any otha man. And I’m thinking “damn, I kinda wanted to bump with yo rapper friend, Big Dog.”

Well, sho nuff I bumped with Big Dog, and you know what Lil’ dog did? He drive-byed. I’m okay, but I’m just sayin’, I’m just sayin’ sista, those rappers—uh uhhh. Theys only after one thing: truuue love.